I came across a support group this evening called over eaters anonymous over at www.oa.org. I thought the whole idea about anonymous groups where that its members are anonymous? Well, I guess I was wrong…

FAT-ASS Anonymous is a group of fat asses who, through shared “being a fat lazy ass” experience, strength and a little bit of hope, try to help each other recover from compulsive overeating by sitting down and talking about it excessively. Does that really work?

Well, at least they know they’re fat, but do they really think they are anonymous? It’s a bit obvious, isn’t it? What’s the point in going to fat-ass anonymous just to talk about how fat you are and how much you eat, as well as giving donations to the group co-ordinators who are also a bunch of fat asses with nothing else better to do who are probably going to spend your money on McDonald’s on the way home. You could give your money to somewhere else, like the gym for instance. Don’t you think that would benefit you more?

The people that try the classic defense “It’s a medical condition”, YEAH RIGHT! You’re just lazy ass who can’t even comprehend how lazy you actually are, get up off your chair, stop reading this, get to the gym and start working off that excessive, absolutely atrocious looking fat of yours before I come down and give you liposuction with my home-made fat removing water-powered suction device.

Overweight “NOT-REALLY” Anonymous offer unconditional acceptance and support for being so ridiculously over-weight that you can’t even get off your chair without help from a friend. Fat-ass meetings for you to talk about how fat you really are, are fairly regular which are self-supported through voluntary contributions from its members, whom should really going to the gym instead of eating enough food to feed the whole of Africa.

How did FAT-ASS Anonymous start?

The idea of fat-ass anonymous came to co founder Rozanne S. At a Gamblers Anonymous (GA) meeting she attended with a compulsive gambling friend in 1958. As GA members shared their stories, she heard her story—not of gambling, but of compulsive overeating. She knew then that the Twelve-Step and Twelve-Tradition program founded by Alcoholics Anonymous (A) and modeled by GA offered her a chance to change her life and reduce her fat-ass-152-pound body to a size that would fit her 5-foot-2-inch frame. Not until 1960 when she became even fatter, could she find other people who shared ridiculously hideous obesity.

Today, about 6,500 FAT-ASSES meet each and every week in over 75 countries. With OA divided into 10 regions worldwide and approximately 400 inter groups, it helps thousands of ridiculously obese people figure out how fat they are and maybe how to solve the issue.

If you’re a FAT-ASS, join Overweight Anonymous today! Visit: www.oa.org!

Flame AWAY! Love me or hate me I can do without your concern, jelousy is the acknowledgement the obese pay to the slim.

Your resume is an essential document that summarises everything you have to offer as clearly as possible. It’s absolutely imperative that your resume jumps out of the box, grabbing your potential employer’s eyes out of their sockets due to the sheer overwhelming wonderfulness it has to offer; otherwise, that not-so-well-thought-of, complete load of junk resume of yours will end up sitting at the bottom of a hamsters shit tray faster than you care to imagine.

If your resume is a complete load of trash which resembles everybody else’s in the pile, you may as well run down to the unemployment office now because you’re not going to get hired, you’re most likely going to lose that trash heap of yours behind the back of Wal-mart which you call home, and nobody is even going to give two fucks about who you are, or what you have to offer.

To grab an employer’s eye you need to create a resume which is the written equivalent of a whores moan. Make sure your resume is printed on bright red paper so it jumps out of the box grabbing the employer’s eyes at the sockets. Make sure all of your fonts are about 3 inches high and use as many different styles as possible. Writing your name in 3 inch high Arial bold font is a sure-fire way to grab anybody’s attention as long as you have, “HOOKER FOR HIRE” underneath. For the ladies out there, make sure you have a big lipstick mark at the top of the page, and for you men out there, sprinkle on as much cologne as possible as well as stapling some of your best glossy head shots to the top of the page with the words, “BITE ME” underneath.

The Interview Process:

First impressions are always crucial, plain Jane’s are never remembered so you need to think of a way which will make you stand out from the rest of the crowd. First of all, you need to think of something to wear which will grab their attention. Rubber suits, gimp masks, costumes and silly outfits are a sure-fire way of being remembered than a plain and boring suit you just pulled out of the wardrobe which hasn’t been worn for decades.

After you have thought of something to wear which is attention grabbing, the next thing you must do correctly is the handshake. Practice different styles of handshakes, twists and turns, high five handshakes, and weird thumb manoeuvres are a sure way to make you remembered. Do you have any Vaseline? Nobody likes dry hands, use as much Vaseline as possible making your hands as soft as a baby’s buttocks.

A few good opening lines for your interview are:

“The voices in my head told me I am perfect for this position”
“I have the ability to make your brain explode from the sheer power of my mind”
“Can we make this fast, I need to get back to the mental hospital”
“I am a great people person, I was once convicted of murder”
“I was Captain Kirk’s first mate onboard of the starship enterprise”
“I have an invisible friend I’ve brought along, if that’s ok?”
“I am perfect for this job, honest. When the aliens abducted me, they told me”

Now that you have your potential employer’s attention, now is the time to take control of the interview. Consider handcuffing them to their seat while you tell them how much of a great person you are, or superglue their hands to the desk, look into their eyes and shout, “go go gadget death-ray”.

Finish up the interview just like you started it, shake their hands and insert a crisp $20 bill into their palms and tell them that Washington will know what to do. Oh yeah, follow-ups are crucial, if you don’t hear back from them within the hour, make as many collect calls to them as possible, making sure they never forget who you are.

Now you can sit back, relax and wait for that call to let you know your start date. Congratu-fucking-lations, you now have that job you have always dreamed of.

At some point in your life you’re probably going to end up with living with a complete and utter jerk who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves. You being the kind-hearted caring individual you are, you’re probably going to want to ask them to leave, but just don’t know how to. Well, listen up! If you follow the instructions below, you might just be able to make that unwanted room-mate leave without asking.

1: The Noisy Ass Room-mate: Be as noisy as possible, play loud music till stupid hours of the morning, slam doors, invite loud friends over and disturb your room-mates peace at every possible moment. If your room-mate is anything like me, they will hate you enough to possibly want to kill you or move out quicker than a cheetah on speed.

2: DeComfortize: When you’re at home, you like to feel comfortable, right? Well, why not take that away from them? You could say things to them like, “Hey, I am having a swinger party later in my bedroom, I was just wondering if you would like to join in” or, “If someone starts beating the door down, just tell them I am not giving them the money I owe them”. Another tactic you could use which may make them feel uncomfortable is; declare yourself a naturist and hang around naked whilst their friends are over.

3: The messy mofo: Nobody likes a room-mate which makes a complete and utter mess and decides not to tidy up. Use that to your advantage and start being messy as much as possible. Leave food out everywhere, crumbs on the sideboard, jam in the butter, dirty dishes, towels and clothes everywhere, and start not flushing the chain after you have used the toilet because that will annoy your room-mate something chronic.

4: Skitzo, Psycho, Whatever!: Nobody likes living with a schizophrenic or a psycho. Why not make your room-mate think there is something wrong with you? Start acting strange and make comments like, “What do you think would be the best blade to cut yourself?” Your room-mate will be out of your apartment quicker you could possibly imagine.

5: Animal Fanatic: Not everybody loves animals as much as I, or maybe you. If your room-mate doesn’t like animals, why not get one of them as a pet? If your room-mate doesn’t like animals as much as they say they don’t, they are most likely going to move out as quick as possible.

6: Ridiculously annoying: Nobody likes an annoying room-mate. Start asking questions and questions to everything your room-mate says, talk about yourself constantly and always bring up things about having sex with your room-mates mother or something along those lines.

Ok, so I hope you liked the article above, if you can think of any other ways to get rid of room-mates, please submit them via the comments section below.

The International Iraqi Film Festival has just released a list of movies that I am sure all Americans will absolutely love. Below is the official list direct from the Iraqi’s themselves, enjoy and don’t be alarmed if most of them are about killing Americans.

Americans Must Die: Staring Mohammad Hussein and Raheem Gabir, 2 terrorists travel to America in order to plant a nuclear bomb that is capable of wiping-out the entire American population. With scenes of an explicit nature, gore, violence and strong language, this film is not to be missed if you’re an Iraqi civilian who absolutely hates the American nation with a passion.

An American Beheading: Staring Ahmad Ibrahim, Ali Said Bin Ali, and Imad Fa-iz, a group of American soldiers are captured and taken to an underground torture chamber where their heads are chopped off for airing over public T.V. This movie is not to be missed if you’re into watching the torture of American soldiers and contains lots of blood, guts, and anti-American patriotism.

Coca-Splosive: Staring Imram Farid and Osama Bin Lazy, 2 of Iraq’s most notorious terrorists teach you how to smuggle explosives onto a plane inside of coca-cola bottles without getting caught by the airport security. This movie is for the wannabe-terrorist who is thinking of blowing up a commercial airliner for their country.

Terrorists in the city: Staring Fareeza Hayat, Shawbo Ali Rauf, and Bineda Ali Kataff, 3 Iraqi prostitutes take to the streets in order to lour unsuspecting males into an underground American killing cult where Iraqi patriots watch the killings of American civilians for entertainment. Contains lots of sexual scenes and torture and may not be suitable for Iraqi’s under the age of 2.

Exsplosives on 34th street: Staring Osama Aban Ali, and Aasera Abida Hussein, 2 Iraqi terrorists have to meet an Iraqi agent in order to pick-up their made-to-order explosives so they can blow-up he white house. Contains explicit scenes of president bush being molested and abused by an IRAQI with a 12” wooden dildo while the other terrorist is planting the explosives.

Dude Where’s My Car Bomb: Staring Sabeen Malik, and Shada Uday, 2 Iraqi pot smoking knuckleheads left their car bomb somewhere in the middle of the city and set out to find it as they have a mission to complete before the head honcho decides it’s time for them to fly back to Iraq. If you’re an Iraqi and love comedy, this movie is definitely for you as it shows Americans being blown up and splattered across the city. Suitable for potential child terrorists.

The Twin Tower Massacre: Staring Yusuf Ali Zaheed, and Sanaa Raheem Zaid, 2 Iraqi terrorists show you the exact methods used in the September 11th hijackings that can be used to carry out elaborate hijackings with precision again and again, without getting caught. Contains Americans thinking they can fly by jumping out of buildings bigger than mountains, really funny and has to be seen.

American Slaughterhouse: Staring Hakim Bin Laden, Ahmahd Mahaan, and Shatha Farrah, 3 Al-Jahera terrorists setup a slaughterhouse in the middle of New York City where they’re slaughtering Americans and serving them as lunch in their restaurant. Contains lots of torture, American deaths, and comedy that shouldn’t be missed this year.

American Soldiers De-Armed: Staring Anah Ali Malik , and Sanaa Aban Gabir, 2 Iraqi agents are sent to American base camps in order to remove the arms of American soldiers so they can post pictures of them up on the internet. Contains scenes of Americans bleeding to death and is really funny if you’re into that sort of thing. This movie is 100% suitable for people of all ages as it promotes the torture of American soldiers.

Revenge of The Turbinator: Staring Ahmir Fuzad as a sophisticated robot sent back in time with a mission to kill all of America’s senators before he is sent back to where he belongs. Sci-fiction, Comedy, and lots of blood which is sure to help you have a better night sleep knowing you’re safe from American scum.