Jagshemash! My name a Borat. I make sexy-time with my mother in-law right now. I like you. I like McDonald’s, it’s nice. YES! Enjoy! OK, Vanilla Face?

10. My cheeseburger, don’t like me. It say it wish it was eaten by someone else. I want refund, YES.

9. Very sorry to interrupt. Where is toilet? I need to make a shit in hole, you know?

8. There are many job opportunities in the US and of A. For men, construction worker, taxi driver or accountant. For woman, prostitute. Why work at McDonald’s? It shit hole like Nursultan Tuliakbay’s home.

7. McDonald’s Coca-Cola is like Kazakhstani wine, but not made from fermented horse urine.

6. My wife was my slave but now she is dead…she die in a field…she die from work, an accident, but is not important. You will be my new wife, yes!

5. I hope to kill every man, woman and child in McDonald’s, and may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq.

4. What’s up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slabs. We’re looking for somewhere to buy, what do’yah call it, erm…Happy Meal, Yes? So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet, get to work, ok? Just a couple of hungry Jewish pimps, no hos.

3. You telling me the man who try to put french-fry in my anus was a homosexual? Why would you allow that here? I want to speak to your superior. I do not like homosexual.

2. I arrived in McDonald’s with clothings, US dollars, and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.

1. Your background music is shit like dog poo, you know? I uh like a very much Korki Buchek you know Korki Buchek? It go like, “Bing-Bang-Bing-Bang-Bing-dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click* *click-click* Bing-Bang-Bing-Bang-Bing-dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click*” Do you have Korki Buchek?

If you did not enjoy, I will be excute.

1: People that ask for the time and point to their invisible watch. Would you point to your crotch if you asked somebody where the toilet was? NO YOU WOULDN’T! So quit pointing to that invisible watch of yours before I chew off your wrist.

2: When people send me an instant message asking if they can ask me a question. First of all you have just asked me a question and secondly no you cant you half-witt, go ask somebody else who gives a shit.

3: When people make assumptions based on insufficient knowledge! Can you f’in stop that please it drives me crazy more than anything else on this list! Grow UP! Get a life! Just STOP IT! For Christ SAKE!

4: When people say, “look on the bright side”. Where the hell is that? Is that where the sun is shining on the other side of the world you idiot? Quit telling me to look on the bright side, I’ve heard it more times that I care to remember.

5: When you’re stood outside of the bus station and somebody asks you if the bus has been. If a bus had been, I wouldn’t be waiting here now would I you complete and utter moron you! Geez, are people becoming more and more stupid by the day?

6: When women cheat on you and take all your money and move to another country even though they have everything they could ever wish for? What’s the point in that huh? Can somebody reading this please elaborate on that because it has been bugging me for years.

7: When people can’t even smell how much they stink of shit, haven’t you ever heard of deodorant, aftershave, or maybe even water? Stop stinking my place out, go home and get an F’IN BATH you smelly mother fucker.

8: One-ringer anonymous calls from complete and utter idiots during the middle of the night. If I knew who you guys where, id kick your mother f-in head in. Quit calling me or at least if you do have the decency to say something. ARGH!

9: If you take your dog out for a walk, clean its dog shit up will you because if I stand in it one more time I am going to come and put your dog down with a Stanley knife and a screwdriver.

10: Screaming and shouting at people is one of my main dislikes. When I hear people screaming I feel like going over to them and smacking them in face and watching them as they go red in the race with rage before I smack them again until they actually realize shouting is my presence is not a good idea.

What annoys you? Let the rest of the world know via the comments section below.

Your resume is an essential document that summarises everything you have to offer as clearly as possible. It’s absolutely imperative that your resume jumps out of the box, grabbing your potential employer’s eyes out of their sockets due to the sheer overwhelming wonderfulness it has to offer; otherwise, that not-so-well-thought-of, complete load of junk resume of yours will end up sitting at the bottom of a hamsters shit tray faster than you care to imagine.

If your resume is a complete load of trash which resembles everybody else’s in the pile, you may as well run down to the unemployment office now because you’re not going to get hired, you’re most likely going to lose that trash heap of yours behind the back of Wal-mart which you call home, and nobody is even going to give two fucks about who you are, or what you have to offer.

To grab an employer’s eye you need to create a resume which is the written equivalent of a whores moan. Make sure your resume is printed on bright red paper so it jumps out of the box grabbing the employer’s eyes at the sockets. Make sure all of your fonts are about 3 inches high and use as many different styles as possible. Writing your name in 3 inch high Arial bold font is a sure-fire way to grab anybody’s attention as long as you have, “HOOKER FOR HIRE” underneath. For the ladies out there, make sure you have a big lipstick mark at the top of the page, and for you men out there, sprinkle on as much cologne as possible as well as stapling some of your best glossy head shots to the top of the page with the words, “BITE ME” underneath.

The Interview Process:

First impressions are always crucial, plain Jane’s are never remembered so you need to think of a way which will make you stand out from the rest of the crowd. First of all, you need to think of something to wear which will grab their attention. Rubber suits, gimp masks, costumes and silly outfits are a sure-fire way of being remembered than a plain and boring suit you just pulled out of the wardrobe which hasn’t been worn for decades.

After you have thought of something to wear which is attention grabbing, the next thing you must do correctly is the handshake. Practice different styles of handshakes, twists and turns, high five handshakes, and weird thumb manoeuvres are a sure way to make you remembered. Do you have any Vaseline? Nobody likes dry hands, use as much Vaseline as possible making your hands as soft as a baby’s buttocks.

A few good opening lines for your interview are:

“The voices in my head told me I am perfect for this position”
“I have the ability to make your brain explode from the sheer power of my mind”
“Can we make this fast, I need to get back to the mental hospital”
“I am a great people person, I was once convicted of murder”
“I was Captain Kirk’s first mate onboard of the starship enterprise”
“I have an invisible friend I’ve brought along, if that’s ok?”
“I am perfect for this job, honest. When the aliens abducted me, they told me”

Now that you have your potential employer’s attention, now is the time to take control of the interview. Consider handcuffing them to their seat while you tell them how much of a great person you are, or superglue their hands to the desk, look into their eyes and shout, “go go gadget death-ray”.

Finish up the interview just like you started it, shake their hands and insert a crisp $20 bill into their palms and tell them that Washington will know what to do. Oh yeah, follow-ups are crucial, if you don’t hear back from them within the hour, make as many collect calls to them as possible, making sure they never forget who you are.

Now you can sit back, relax and wait for that call to let you know your start date. Congratu-fucking-lations, you now have that job you have always dreamed of.

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Standing in an elevator waiting for your floor can be a tiresome and boring task. If you use your brain properly you could actually have some fun instead of standing their twiddling your thumbs with nothing else better to do.

I have compiled a list below of 50 fun and childish things for you to do in an elevator:

1: Continuous farting and fart wafting might make you Mr. Popular
2: Out of control break-dancing to see how many people you can kick in the jaw
3: Press all the floor numbers repeatedly until everybody in the elevator starts moaning
4: Kneel down and start praying to god, telling him how sorry you are for what you have done
5: Strip and start rubbing up against other the elevator users
6: Start quoting paragraphs from the bible at every possible opportunity
7: Start your daily exercise routine; do some press ups or even invisible weights
8: Breath heavily and stare at people making them feel really uncomfortable
9: Say random phrases to different people. Things like, “so who killed roger rabbit?”
10: Scratch your groin constantly making sure people notice what you’re doing

11: Pick your nose consistently throughout your time in the elevator
12: Tell everybody in the elevator you’re going to vomit and start moving closer
13: Play football, tennis or basketball inside of the elevator
14: Tell everybody you’re a terrorist and you’re wanted in connection with bombings
15: Start hugging everybody in the elevator, telling them all how much you love them
16: Gum bubbles go pop, need I say anything else?
17: Every time somebody presses the button for a specific floor, scream at them
18: Pretend you’re having a bad trip and start freaking out, rocking back and forth
19: Ask everybody in the elevator if they have a problem with you and why
20: Draw a square around your feet and tell everyone it’s your personal space

21: Be rude to people and point out obvious problems the person has
22: Start telling everybody you’re the devil in disguise and the world is about to end
23: Take out an empty bottle and ask people if they mind you taking a leak
24: Tell everybody in the elevator you have a disease and start coughing at them
25: If you’re with a friend, ask them questions like, “where’s the drugs?”
26: Have a fit and start freaking out on the floor, people will start screaming
27: When the elevator door starts to close, keep putting your hand in the way
28: When someone tries to enter the elevator, tell them it’s out of service
29: Open up a drink and start slurping it as loud as possible
30: Stand in the corner with your back to people, pretending you’re getting yourself off!

31: Start singing nursery rhymes to people, as well as asking for requests
32: Start telling everybody to shut up and start being outright inconsiderate
33: Ask people the time repetitively over and over again until they get annoyed
34: Pick a specific person and say to them, “hey, did I see you at that brothel last week?”
35: Start hyper ventilating and tell everybody there is no air left in the elevator
36: Ask people if they mind you smoking a crack pipe in the corner
37: Every time somebody attempts to leave the elevator say, “OH, thank god for that”
38: Go through the 10 commandments with each person until they are red in the face
39: Ask each person in the elevator if they have the number for 911
40: Ask people if they have any spare toilet roll because you need to take a dump

41: Insist that everybody who boards the elevator, undresses
42: Take out your IPOD and start playing rock music as loud as possible
43: Start a conga line on your own and start asking people if they want to join in
44: Tell the women that you’re a boob inspector and you must inspect their boobs
45: Learn another language and start insulting people
46: Try and make people believe your Quagmire from Family Guy
47: Stick your hand up someone’s skirt and tell them you’re a ventriloquist
48: Play the default Nokia ringtone and shout, “HEEEEELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO”
49: Start asking people for money to enter your elevator
50: Start a protest and refuse to leave the elevator until security comes

Can you think of anything else to do in an elevator that might be fun or even childish? If so, submit them via the comments section below for everybody else to see.

At some point in your life you’re probably going to end up with living with a complete and utter jerk who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves. You being the kind-hearted caring individual you are, you’re probably going to want to ask them to leave, but just don’t know how to. Well, listen up! If you follow the instructions below, you might just be able to make that unwanted room-mate leave without asking.

1: The Noisy Ass Room-mate: Be as noisy as possible, play loud music till stupid hours of the morning, slam doors, invite loud friends over and disturb your room-mates peace at every possible moment. If your room-mate is anything like me, they will hate you enough to possibly want to kill you or move out quicker than a cheetah on speed.

2: DeComfortize: When you’re at home, you like to feel comfortable, right? Well, why not take that away from them? You could say things to them like, “Hey, I am having a swinger party later in my bedroom, I was just wondering if you would like to join in” or, “If someone starts beating the door down, just tell them I am not giving them the money I owe them”. Another tactic you could use which may make them feel uncomfortable is; declare yourself a naturist and hang around naked whilst their friends are over.

3: The messy mofo: Nobody likes a room-mate which makes a complete and utter mess and decides not to tidy up. Use that to your advantage and start being messy as much as possible. Leave food out everywhere, crumbs on the sideboard, jam in the butter, dirty dishes, towels and clothes everywhere, and start not flushing the chain after you have used the toilet because that will annoy your room-mate something chronic.

4: Skitzo, Psycho, Whatever!: Nobody likes living with a schizophrenic or a psycho. Why not make your room-mate think there is something wrong with you? Start acting strange and make comments like, “What do you think would be the best blade to cut yourself?” Your room-mate will be out of your apartment quicker you could possibly imagine.

5: Animal Fanatic: Not everybody loves animals as much as I, or maybe you. If your room-mate doesn’t like animals, why not get one of them as a pet? If your room-mate doesn’t like animals as much as they say they don’t, they are most likely going to move out as quick as possible.

6: Ridiculously annoying: Nobody likes an annoying room-mate. Start asking questions and questions to everything your room-mate says, talk about yourself constantly and always bring up things about having sex with your room-mates mother or something along those lines.

Ok, so I hope you liked the article above, if you can think of any other ways to get rid of room-mates, please submit them via the comments section below.

If you’re reading this, I presume you are either a comic book geek like me or just out for a chuckle. Either way, these tactics are a sure fire way of earning the respect of your neighborhood or a coveted spot on the Jerry Springer show.

Every good superhero has their own logo that people know them by, such as superman’s “S”. Incorporate this in your costume, a good idea is to make business card style cardboard cut outs, each act of good will you carry out, leave one of them behind as your trail. Over time, people will begin to recognize these and link them to your “super work”.

Now comes the costume, every good superhero has one. It doesn’t have to be a plastic-ab-carved type body armor, this could be a guise made up of mismatched clothes, a jump suit with some lettering sprayed on with a stencil, remember whatever costumer you decide on this is going to be what people know you by so be sure to theme it with your line of work.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, you’re already half way there. The costume is one thing but the “powers” your going to master are what will make you stand out from the back of the “super wannabe pile”.

Think of what type of work you’re going to carry out in order to reach supreme status in your community. Things that either tick people off or make slugging through a 9-5 a living hell, will be your fuel. Thinks of things that annoy you and what could be done to prevent them, or make them more bearable. I can’t think of this for you, but a close “super friend” of mine leaves change atop of a petrol stand, in case people go over by a couple cents/pence. It really is that simple. Friendly gestures are the key, the more the better!

With a new costume, your own logo and also some finely honed “super powers”, next in line is an attractive stalker, just like Superman’s “Lois lane”, and Spiderman’s, “Mary Jane”. No super-hero would be fully equipped to take on the role of being an everyday super-hero without having somebody who stalks them. Put an ad out in your local paper or in the classifieds section on the internet somewhere which states, “Super-hero looking for stalker, must be attractive and willing to stalk”. I can bet you a sealed batman original comic, you’ll have a dozen responses within the first week, after all who wouldn’t want to stalk a real life superhero?

Now that you’ve got the gist of things, another basic need of any respectable SH is a headquarters. Somewhere that he/she can retreat to when needing to lie low from their sworn enemies (we’ll touch on this later on). This sanctuary needs to be hidden from the general public and most of all a secret to all except you. A few places that will be ideal HQ’s could be an abandoned building that you can get access to or even just a tucked away backstreet, with enough space to get in / out of your costume without fear of being watched.

Okay, so now you should be well on your way to becoming a true real life super hero. Remember, on your path to ultimate super-geek-supremacy you will meet you arch nemesis and sworn enemy, now this could be the person / company / group / object / area / law / … anything that is the cause of the problems you set out to stop.

So I wish you good luck in your journey and I hope I don’t see your ass on TV when I’m catching up on daily daytime dose of reality bullshit.