I woke-up on Christmas morning awhile back with an absolutely amazing present from my ex-girlfriend, but because she couldn’t afford anything else other than her over-used, really-smelly, yeast-infected, STD ridden, unshaven beef-curtains that most of the people in the town have probably had already, she decided to give me herpes because it was free.

My penis at one point resembled an inflated cucumber with blisters on it the size of an elephants testicles, it wasn’t a pretty sight, belieeeeve me! It looked like an army of over-weight hippo’s took turns at jumping on my cock for a couple of days. I couldn’t even hold it to take a piss, I had to sit down and dangle my cock in to the toilet and hope for the best, sometimes with piss spraying everywhere. Thanks Hayley, you’re the best.

Every time I have sex, I have to tell the person I am with I caught herpes from some tart awhile ago and there’s a possibility they might catch it. How do you think that goes down? Well, nothing goes down, let me assure you. By the time I’ve told the girl I am with, they’re usually half way through the f*in front door, screaming all sorts at me.

Everybody in my town knows I have herpes because girls just can’t keep their traps shut. Every new person I meet in my local area asks me if I’m the guy with herpes and a small wiener. Lots of idiots in my town shout herpes boy at me, how do you think that feels? Because I have herpes my life has been upside down and shows no signs of getting better, all because of some stupid slut called Hayley. Fu#kin’ Bitch!

With STD’s growing at an alarming rate and whores popping up on every street corner, one has to wonder when the ever-so-illusive ladies of the night are going to start giving their “clients” the new and revolutionary “Spray-on Condoms” which German scientist Jan Vinzenz Krause, recently invented.

Spray-on Condoms, Huh? What the hell you on about…

Well, if you haven’t heard, don’t worry, I only found out about Spray-on condoms last night and I’m usually in the know about things like that, being the excessive gherkin jerker and the whore buying law abiding citizen I am.

The spray-on condom thingy-ma-jig measures your size (small, medium, large, extra-large, hung-like-an-elephant) and then sprays your penis with liquid latex after you press a button on the side. It takes about 20 seconds or so for it to dry and you can peel it off just like a normal condom.

Sounds to good to be true, right? Well, it all depends on what it takes to ruin the “mood” for you. It’s not exactly the most romantic item, in fact although the spray-on condom would remove the condon packaging issues, there would also be many more issues which you just don’t realise at first.

What issues am I talking about? Well.. Liquid latex is fairly hot so not only will your penis feel the heat, once the liquid latex has dried and your ready to go, you might experience some other problems too, such as; the liquid latex drying around your pubic hair, so when you peel it off, it pulls the hair out, and also when you ejaculate, where the hell is the sperm going to go if the liquid latex is moulded right to the head of your penis?

When the spray-on condoms are finally released, it will come to no surprise if whores add them to their bedside cabinets for use with their punters. So look-out next time you rent a whore for the evening because these spray-on condom device’s are reusable which means you’re going to be sticking your penis inside something which another 50 people have used.

Thoughts and comments in regards to this subject are appreciated.

Apart from the obvious issues regarding the men’s room such as; shit everywhere, piss everywhere, general untidiness and graffiti, no running water, lack of toilet paper, and the ridiculously hideous stench which you can smell at least half a mile from the vicinity, the men’s room appears to attract some of society’s weirdest people.

With the amount of overwhelmingly weird people that use the men’s room on a day to day basis, it comes to no surprise that some people are far too scared to use them. Over the last decade or so, I have come across plenty of weird people in the men’s room that have had me startled, to say the least.

As you can see below, I have documented the types of weird people I have come across over the past couple of years, for you to enjoy and be amazed:

The Really-Desperate-About-To-Burst Type: Running through the door faster than a cheetah on speed, unbuttoning their trousers like they’re about to burst. These sorts of men hold their piss in for as long as possible because they think they are in full control of mother nature, when obviously they are not.

The Just-Because-My-Friends-Are-Doing-It Type: They enter the men’s room with their friends because their friends need to take a piss, and so they automatically assume they do/can too. They stand there with all expectations of being able to piss but nothing comes out, even though they so try foolishly hard.

The Hope-You-Don’t-See-It Timid Type: Some men are just far too embarrassed to piss in front other men, either because they have a ridiculously small penis that resembles a chipolata, or because they really just don’t feel comfortable with another man standing next to them while they take a piss. These sorts of men will check all the cubicles first to see if they are empty, if they’re not empty they will either wait for a cubicle to be free or try and stand in the corner so nobody can see.

The Got-No-Respect-For-Other-People Type: You get a few odd people coming into the men’s room that obviously have no respect for others. They come in, notice all the cubicles are full, notice there is no space left to stand up, they walk over to the sink, unbutton their trousers and begin to piss in the sink without a care in the world.

The Let’s-Stare-At-Your-Cock Pervert Type: They stand there staring at your cock like they haven’t seen one before; not only looking at yours, but at everybody else’s as well, making it their utmost priorities to get a good look to see if you have something different than they have.

The Too-Pissed-And-Can’t-Even-See-Properly Type: They come in without a care in the world, swaying side to side as they bump into everybody on their route, some of them grab-a-hold of their thumb thinking it’s their cock while pissing themselves, while others end up slipping and landing head first in the urinals taking a mouth full of piss.

The Smartass-That-Doesn’t-Need-To-Hold-It Type: The smart ass’s think they can piss without holding their cocks, they need to get a grip, literally! You see them all the time, they come in, unbutton their trousers, get their cock out, and without holding it they just let it go like it’s a hands free kit that doesn’t need holding thinking they are king of the men’s room while piss is going everywhere.

The Let’s-Lurk-Around-The-Toilet Type: Standing around the men’s room with nothing else better to do, these types of men hang around toilets in groups, chatting about nothing and talking with everyone who walks in, simply just too waste time as they have nothing else better to do. Sometimes you see them sat by the sinks, sometimes you will see them sat on the floor, wherever you see them, they clutter up the men’s room like garbage on the streets.

The Got-Nowhere-Else-To-Take-Drugs Type: With nowhere else to go, the druggies enter the men’s room looking for a hideaway so they can take their drugs without being noticed by the rent-a-cop security guards that are constantly on patrol. You hear them sniffing and coughing, choking and laughing, unnoticed they think they go, but indeed they are not.

The Overweight-And-Can’t-Even-Find-It Type: Being overweight has problems of its own other than not being able to find your penis when you’re about to take a piss. Some of them take that long to find it so they end up pissing in their shoes, while others do strange manoeuvres that will make you laugh hysterically.

The Childish-With-Nothing-Else-Better-To-Do Type: There are many childish and immature men that use the men’s room in bars and clubs throughout the world. Some of them come in and push you against the urinal so you piss yourself, while others have competitions with their friends to see who can piss the highest.

The Let’s-Talk-To-Everybody-In-The-Men’s-Room Type: Talking while pissing is not something that I am fond of. When I use the men’s room I don’t want someone next to me giving me their life story about how his girlfriend just left him for his best friend, who also just happens to be her brother.

The Let’s-Aim-At-Something-In-The-Urinals Type: Always looking for something to aim at, these specific types of men will make it their utmost priorities to move something that somebody has through in the urinals. With nothing else better to do you will see them forcing their piss out like a women that is about to give birth, just so they can move the object they’re aiming at.

The Let’s-Pass-The-Blame-On Type: The blamers are the ones which come out of a cubicle and blame the person that went in there before them for whatever they have done in there, such as; pissed all over the toilet paper, vomited everywhere, shit on the seat, or some you even get rubbing used toilet paper up against the walls to make pretty patterns that they think are “cool”.

The Let’s-Have-Sex-In-The-Cubicles Type: If you’re in a cubicle of a busy club, there is about a 60% chance that you will hear somebody having sex in the cubicle next to you. They bang away until one of them as finished, and go their separate ways as the leave the cubicle.

The We-Haven’t-Got-Nothing-Else-Better-To-Do Types: Walking into the men’s room with nothing else better to do, you see them all the time cluttering up the men’s room as they walk in and out just to have a look around to see if they are missing anything which isn’t happening outside.

It is true that there are many, many weird people that use the men’s room day-to-day, if you know of any other “types”, please let me know via the comments section below.

At some point in time you’re going to wish you had a beer instead of a woman, and here’s the reasons why:

1: Beer doesn’t mind if you share it
2: You can enjoy a beer all day, every day
3: It’s OK to have a beer anytime of the month
4: A beer is always satisfying
5: You can take as many beers as you want home
6: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another
7: You can have a beer whenever you want
8: Beer can’t get pregnant
9: You can always trust your beer
10: It’s easy to get rid of beer you don’t want

11: You can’t catch STD’s from your own beer
12: Beer gets lighter the longer you hold it
13: Beer doesn’t grow hair in places it shouldn’t
14: It’s ok to go home with a different beer
15: Beer always looks good no matter the packaging
16: It’s ok to go to sleep when you’ve had a beer
17: Beer doesn’t complain how cold it is
18: Your last beer won’t fight with your new beer
19: You don’t have to talk to your beer
20: You know how much a beer costs when you get it

21: Beer doesn’t have interfering parents
22: A beer won’t mind if you lock it up
23: A beer doesn’t need to wash before it tastes good
24: You can’t get arrested for burying a beer
25: A beer isn’t embarrassing when you take it out
26: A beer doesn’t expect you to marry it
27: It’s OK to have a beer on the bus
28: A beer won’t file a divorce suit against you
29: When you have a beer you know what you’re getting
30: A beer wont cheat on you with another man

31: Beer doesn’t take hours for it to be ready
32: A beer doesn’t care how much you earn
33: A beer doesn’t care where you take it
34: A beer won’t call you when you’ve had enough
35: Beer doesn’t need an answer for everything
36: It’s not illegal to sell your beer to a friend
37: You don’t need to drive a beer to its friends house
38: A beer won’t tell you to change the channel
39: A beer is always wet
40: A beer always hits the spot

41: You can give unwanted beer away without hassle
42: Beer doesn’t complain when it goes flat
43: If the beer is poured correctly, you get good head
44: A beer won’t say to you, “does my ass look big in this”
45: You can sleep with as many beers as you want
46: Beer doesn’t expect you to buy it presents
47: Beer doesn’t bleed on a regular occurrence
48: You can do what you want with a beer
49: A beer won’t mind you going out with your friends
50: It’s OK to leave a beer outside in the cold

If you’re a woman and this article was offensive, please click here to send me hate mail.