Badoozie

Your resume is an essential document that summarises everything you have to offer as clearly as possible. It’s absolutely imperative that your resume jumps out of the box, grabbing your potential employer’s eyes out of their sockets due to the sheer overwhelming wonderfulness it has to offer; otherwise, that not-so-well-thought-of, complete load of junk resume of yours will end up sitting at the bottom of a hamsters shit tray faster than you care to imagine.

If your resume is a complete load of trash which resembles everybody else’s in the pile, you may as well run down to the unemployment office now because you’re not going to get hired, you’re most likely going to lose that trash heap of yours behind the back of Wal-mart which you call home, and nobody is even going to give two fucks about who you are, or what you have to offer.

To grab an employer’s eye you need to create a resume which is the written equivalent of a whores moan. Make sure your resume is printed on bright red paper so it jumps out of the box grabbing the employer’s eyes at the sockets. Make sure all of your fonts are about 3 inches high and use as many different styles as possible. Writing your name in 3 inch high Arial bold font is a sure-fire way to grab anybody’s attention as long as you have, “HOOKER FOR HIRE” underneath. For the ladies out there, make sure you have a big lipstick mark at the top of the page, and for you men out there, sprinkle on as much cologne as possible as well as stapling some of your best glossy head shots to the top of the page with the words, “BITE ME” underneath.

The Interview Process:

First impressions are always crucial, plain Jane’s are never remembered so you need to think of a way which will make you stand out from the rest of the crowd. First of all, you need to think of something to wear which will grab their attention. Rubber suits, gimp masks, costumes and silly outfits are a sure-fire way of being remembered than a plain and boring suit you just pulled out of the wardrobe which hasn’t been worn for decades.

After you have thought of something to wear which is attention grabbing, the next thing you must do correctly is the handshake. Practice different styles of handshakes, twists and turns, high five handshakes, and weird thumb manoeuvres are a sure way to make you remembered. Do you have any Vaseline? Nobody likes dry hands, use as much Vaseline as possible making your hands as soft as a baby’s buttocks.

A few good opening lines for your interview are:

“The voices in my head told me I am perfect for this position”
“I have the ability to make your brain explode from the sheer power of my mind”
“Can we make this fast, I need to get back to the mental hospital”
“I am a great people person, I was once convicted of murder”
“I was Captain Kirk’s first mate onboard of the starship enterprise”
“I have an invisible friend I’ve brought along, if that’s ok?”
“I am perfect for this job, honest. When the aliens abducted me, they told me”

Now that you have your potential employer’s attention, now is the time to take control of the interview. Consider handcuffing them to their seat while you tell them how much of a great person you are, or superglue their hands to the desk, look into their eyes and shout, “go go gadget death-ray”.

Finish up the interview just like you started it, shake their hands and insert a crisp $20 bill into their palms and tell them that Washington will know what to do. Oh yeah, follow-ups are crucial, if you don’t hear back from them within the hour, make as many collect calls to them as possible, making sure they never forget who you are.

Now you can sit back, relax and wait for that call to let you know your start date. Congratu-fucking-lations, you now have that job you have always dreamed of.